There is No One “True Islam”

There are many different forms of Islam. I agree with this post 100%

Ridiculous Fatawa From Islam-QA.com

Reposted from DoodiePants.com

I just found a fun website called Islam Question and Answer!   It’s tons of fun.  Just think of the stupidest questions you can think of,  search for them, and you’ll find long drawn out answers from Islamic councils and famous Muslim mullahs (priests).

Or…………….. you can just look through all of my silly questions and answers below.   I spent about 3 hours searching through this entertaining site.  It’s my first exposure to Islam and it’s been awesome!  I translated the questions a bit but kept the original meaning for each one.

One odd thing I found about this site and about Islam in general is; there are a ton of rules and commandments centered around peeing on your clothes, farting, having sex with your slaves and marrying Christian girls. You’ll see below.  I’m not making anything up. Each question  is a link to the original answer on the site.

Go ahead click the links……..not making anything up.

What are the benefits of drinking camel urine?

The benefits of drinking Camel Urine are astounding.  Islamic scientists have proven that it is useful for:

“the treatment of skin diseases such as ringworm, tinea and abscesses, sores that may appear on the body and hair, and dry and wet ulcers.   Camel’s urine brings the secondary benefits of making the hair lustrous and thick, and removing dandruff from the scalp.   Camel’s milk is also beneficial in treating hepatitis, even if it has reached an advanced stage where medicine is unable to treat it.   Also, camel’s urine is beneficial in treating al-hazaaz, and it was said that al-hazzaz is a pain in the heart caused by anger and so on.”

Can my wife wear perfume when she goes out shopping?

No No No, Bueno!  Perfume is not allowed.  If your wife smells like a Calcutta sewer, too bad.   It is better that she is undesirable.  The real question is: Just what the hell is she doing outside of the house?

Can I copulate with one of my slaves?

Of course you can, just like you have relations with your wife.  But if your slave marries off to another man you must stop because it is not permissible for a woman to have two men.  Go ahead have sex with your slaves!  I suggest buying as many as you can.

“It is permissible for the one who gains possession of male or female slaves to sell them. In both cases – owning a slave through battle or through purchase – it is not permissible for a man to have intercourse with a slave woman until after she has had one menstrual cycle from which it may be established that she is not pregnant. If she is pregnant, then he must wait until she has given birth.”

Are we allowed to Eat Mermaids?

Ibn ‘Aabideen says…… no you cannot eat Mermaids.  It is haram.  That’s bad….   But, Mermaids do exist according to Islamic holy texts.

Why can’t I have a pet Dog?

It is haram. Dog saliva and urine has been proven again and again by Islamic scientists to spread disease and other impurities.  And it is confirmed in the Koran.  Goats on the other hand are clean and pure.

Is it Authorized to have happy spanky time with my fiance?

Sorry, according to the boss, you gotta sign a marraige contract.  Then all is allowed; even the legendary maple syrup Slip and Slide technique.

I’m a hairy woman.  Can I get my pubes lasered?

Yes but only your armpits.  You must not do your nether regions because that would require someone seeing your “awrah”.  No one must see your “awrah”.

Is it true that a demon will sit on my chest and give me upper respiratory problems if I neglect my prayers?

Bingo!  While some issues are caused by biological reasons, some are caused by wiley demons.   In Arabic they’re called “Jinn”.   Yes…this wonderful piece of wisdom is also in the Hadith.

What do I do if I get semen in my pants?

This has an in depth answer but basically, wash you clothes and wash your bodies.  And what ever you do…….do it before you pray.  Allah most merciful will not listen to you if you have jizz in you pants.  It is haram.

Can I pee standing up as long as I don’t get any drops on my pants?

It’s better to sit down to pee.  Why?  First, it’s easier to hide your “awrah”(wiener).  Second, it’s easier to shake it and not get drops of pee yourself.   If you get pee on your pants, Allah most merciful will not listen to your prayers.  Most Merciful Allah doesn’t like pee pee pants.  I suppose Doodiepants are also frowned upon.

 

The Dilemma of Allah Swearing by Pagan Gods

Allah’s swearing even violates his own instructions as given in the Quran and through Muhammad!

Moreover, swearing by these created things implies that they are just as great, if not greater than God . This means that Allah has basically committed the sin of association through his swearing by the very things that he himself supposedly created.

By doing this, Allah has basically provided justification for the unbelievers taking these created things as objects worthy of their worship. After all, if even Allah swears by the heavenly host then why not the people? And if these objects are so important that Allah swears by them then why shouldn’t the pagans worship them? Doesn’t this smack of outright paganism?

It shouldn’t surprise us that such traces of paganism can still be found in the Quran since, as was already noted earlier, many of the Islamic rites are nothing more than rehashed paganism. In fact, Muhammad himself had no problem attending the Kaba and performing the same rites as the pagans at a time when it still housed the 360 idols!

And when the apostle of God had finished his period of seclusion and returned (to Mecca), in the first place he performed the circumambulation of the Ka’ba, as was his wont. While he was doing it, Waraqa met him and said, ‘O son of my brother, tell me what thou hast seen and heard.’ (The Life of Muhammad, A Translation of Ibn Ishaq’s Sirat Rasul Allah, with introduction and notes by Alfred Guillaume [Karachi Oxford University Press, Karachi, Tenth Impression 1995), p. 107; bold emphasis ours)

Yusuf Ali noted regarding Q. 2:196 that:

When this was revealed, the city of Mecca was in the hands of the enemies of Islam, and the regulations about the fighting and the pilgrimage came together and were interconnected… (Ali, p. 78, fn. 214; bold and italic emphasis ours)

As if this wasn’t bad enough, at this time the pagans would perform the rites of the pilgrimage in the nude!

Narrated Abu Huraira:
On the Day of Nahr (10th of Dhul-Hijja, in the year prior to the last Hajj of the Prophet when Abu Bakr was the leader of the pilgrims in that Hajj) Abu Bakr sent me along with other announcers to Mina to make a public announcement: "No pagan is allowed to perform Hajj after this year and no naked person is allowed to perform the Tawaf around the Ka'ba." Then Allah's Apostle sent 'Ali to read out the Surat Bara'a (At-Tauba) to the people; so he made the announcement along with us on the day of Nahr in Mina: "No pagan is allowed to perform Hajj after this year and no naked person is allowed to perform the Tawaf around the Ka'ba." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 8, Number 365)

Narrated Abu Huraira:
In the year prior to the last Hajj of the Prophet when Allahs Apostle made Abu Bakr the leader of the pilgrims, the latter (Abu Bakr) sent me in the company of a group of people to make a public announcement: "No pagan is allowed to perform Hajj after this year, and no naked person is allowed to perform Tawaf of the Kaba." (See Hadith No. 365 Vol. 1) (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 26, Number 689)

What this means is that people were running naked at the Kaba right until the time of Muhammad’s last pilgrimage!

Now contrast this with the attitude of the Jews as reported in the Sira literature:

… They [the rabbis] told that the sole object of the tribe was to destroy him and his army. ‘We know of no other temple in the land which God has chosen for Himself, said they, and if you do what they suggest you and all your men will perish.’ The king asked them what he should do when he got there, and they told him to do what the people of Mecca did: circumambulate the temple, to venerate and honour it, to shave his head, and to behave with all humility until he had left its precincts. The king asked why they too should not do likewise. They replied that it was indeed the temple of their father Abraham, but the idols which the inhabitants had set up round it, and the blood which they shed there, presented an insuperable obstacle. They are unclean polytheists, said they – or words to that effect. (Guillaume, The Life of Muhammad, pp. 8-9; bold and italic emphasis ours)

Despite the Jews allegedly claiming that Abraham had built the Kaba they still refused to make a pilgrimage there due to all the idols contained therein which defiled it. And yet Muhammad, who is supposed to be God’s final prophet, had no hesitation running around a structure littered with abominable objects detested by the true God during a time when people were running around naked!

In fact, the Jews weren’t the only ones who refused to venerate this pagan shrine:

One day when the Quraysh had assembled on a feast day to venerate and circumambulate the idol which they offered sacrifices, this being the feast which they held annually, four men drew apart secretly and agreed to keep their counsel in the bonds of friendship. They were (i) Waraqa b. Naufal b. Asad b. ‘Abdu’l-‘Uzza b. Qusayy b. Kilab b. Murra b. Ka‘b b. Lu’ayy; (ii) ‘Ubaydullah b. Jash b. Ri’ab b. Ya‘mar b. Sabra b. Murra b. Kabir b. Ghanm b. Dudan b. Asad b. Khuzayma, whose mother was Umayma d. ‘Abdu’l-Mutalib; (iii) ‘Uthman b. al-Huwayrith b. Asad b. ‘Abdu’l-‘Uzza b. Qusayy; and (iv) Zayd b. ‘Amr b. Nufayl b. ‘Abdu’l-‘Uzza b. Abdallah b. Qurt b. Riyah b. Razah b. Adiyy b. Ka‘b b. Lu’ayy. They were of the opinion that their people had corrupted the religion of their father Abraham, and that the stone they went round was of no account; it could neither hear, nor see, nor hurt, nor help. ‘Find for yourselves a religion,’ they said, ‘for by God you have none.’ So they went their several ways, seeking Hanafiya, the religion of Abraham. (Guillaume, The Life of Muhammad, pp. 98-99; bold and underline emphasis ours)

These comments are eerily similar to what Umar, Muhammad’s second companion and second caliph, said about kissing the black stone:

Narrated ‘Abis bin Rabia:
‘Umar came near the Black Stone and kissed it and said “No doubt, I know that you are a stone and can neither benefit anyone nor harm anyone. Had I not seen Allah’s Apostle kissing you I would not have kissed you.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 26, Number 667)

Now let us assume for argument’s sake that Abraham did built the Kaba, shouldn’t Muhammad have followed the example of the Jews and these four men and refrained himself from getting near it until it had been cleared of its idols and detestable practices?

Yet instead of ridding himself of all of these pagan practices Muhammad contented himself with adopting most of them. After all, Muhammad fasted when the pagans fasted:

Narrated ‘Aisha:
‘Ashura’ (i.e. the tenth of Muharram) was a day on which the tribe of Quraish used to fast in the pre-lslamic period of ignorance. The Prophet also used to fast on this day. So when he migrated to Medina, he fasted on it and ordered (the Muslims) to fast on it. When the fasting of Ramadan was enjoined, it became optional for the people to fast or not to fast on the day of Ashura. (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 5, Book 58, Number 172)

And performed the same procedures that the pagans did for their gods:

Narrated ‘Urwa:

I asked ‘Aisha: “How do you interpret the statement of Allah, ‘Verily! (the mountains) As-Safa and Al-Marwa are among the symbols of Allah, and whoever performs the Hajj to the Ka’ba or performs ‘Umra, it is not harmful for him to perform Tawaf between them (Safa and Marwa.)’ (2.158). By Allah! (It is evident from this revelation) there is no harm if one does not perform Tawaf between Safa and Marwa.” ‘Aisha said, “O, my nephew! Your interpretation is not true. Had this interpretation of yours been correct, the statement of Allah should have been, ‘It is not harmful for him if he does not perform Tawaf between them.’ But in fact, this divine inspiration was revealed concerning the Ansar who used to assume lhram for worshipping an idol called “Manat” which they used to worship at a place called Al-Mushallal before they embraced Islam, and whoever assumed Ihram (for the idol), would consider it not right to perform Tawaf between Safa and Marwa.

When they embraced Islam, they asked Allah’s Apostle (p.b.u.h) regarding it, saying, “O Allah’s Apostle! We used to refrain from Tawaf between Safa and Marwa.” So Allah revealed: ‘Verily; (the mountains) As-Safa and Al-Marwa are among the symbols of Allah.’” Aisha added, “Surely, Allah’s Apostle set the tradition of Tawaf between Safa and Marwa, so nobody is allowed to omit the Tawaf between them.” Later on I (‘Urwa) told Abu Bakr bin ‘Abdur-Rahman (of ‘Aisha’s narration) and he said, “I have not heard of such information, but I heard learned men saying that all the people, except those whom ‘Aisha mentioned and who used to assume lhram for the sake of Manat, used to perform Tawaf between Safa and Marwa…” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 26, Number 706)

Narrated ‘Asim:

I asked Anas bin Malik: “Did you use to dislike to perform Tawaf between Safa and Marwa?” He said, “YES, as it was of the ceremonies of the days of the Pre-lslamic period of ignorance, till Allah revealed: ‘Verily! (The two mountains) As-Safa and Al-Marwa are among the symbols of Allah. It is therefore no sin for him who performs the pilgrimage to the Ka’ba, or performs ‘Umra, to perform Tawaf between them.’” (2.158) (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 26, Number 710)

Basically, Muhammad did nothing more than to take the pagan practises of his ancestors, minus the idols and running in the nude, and repackaged them as sacred rites instituted by the true God of Abraham. Yusuf Ali implicitly admits as much when he says:

After the Pilgrimage in Pagan times, the pilgrims used to gather in assemblies in which the praises of ancestors were sung. As the whole of the pilgrimage rites were spiritualised in Islam, so this aftermath of the Pilgrimage was also spiritualised. It was recommended for the pilgrims to stay on two or three days after the pilgrimage, but they must use them in prayer and praise to God. See ii. 203. (Ali, fn.223, p. 80; bold and italic emphasis ours)

Author Benjamin Walker is rather blunt about Islam’s pagan rites:

Most of the pre-Islamic Arab tribes followed a lunar calendar, which Muhammad retained and which Muslims still use. Friday, a day dedicated to the moon in many pagan communities, was the day appointed for public assembly (juma) among the ancient Arabs, and was subsequently adopted as the ‘sabbath’ of the Muslims. The first day of the Muslim era was a Friday… Basically, the religion of Abraham as preached by Muhammad signified the worship of one God, and Muhammad did not interfere with any of the time-honoured elements of native paganism where these did not entail polytheism or idolatry [sic]. He was careful not to undermine the foundations of the original Arab faith, and made substantial concessions to his pagan contemporaries. Where change was needless he made none.

He altered nothing in the pre-Islamic calendar system or in the sacred months of the pagan Arabs, and they still remain (9:5). Mecca, the sacred city of pagan worship, continued to be the ‘mother of the city’ (42:5) and the spiritual focus of the new faith, and remains central in prayer and pilgrimage of all Muslims.

The deity proclaimed by Muhammad was given a local name, ‘Allah’ – the name of the supreme deity of the Arabs, pagan and non-pagan, before Islam. The deity was also given a local habitation in the Kaaba. The Koran urges Muslims to ‘worship the Lord of this House’ (106:3) – the ‘House’ meaning the Kaaba – and at no time did Muhammad make any attempt to alter the status of the pagan fane.

He also retained, almost intact, all the old pagan ceremonies, and to this day the rites of the Kaab hang like an incongruous shroud around Islam. And then the great iconoclast, who sought to banish idolatry root and branch, made the near veneration of the Kaaba fetish – a black stone worshiped by the ancient Arabs – the central rite of the Muslim pilgrimage… The historian Abul Fida (d. 1331) writes: ‘The Arabs of the time of ignorance [before Islam] used to do things which the religion of Islam has adopted.’… (Walker, Foundations of Islam, pp. 48, 51-52, 54; underline emphasis ours)

Thus, if Muhammad could adopt pagan practices and worship with the pagans around the Kaba while it still housed 360 idols, it shouldn’t surprise us that his god would swear by objects which the unbelievers worshiped and venerated as deities besides Allah.

When all is said and done this much remains abundantly clear: much to the dismay of Muslims, Islam is nothing more than rehashed paganism masquerading itself as Abrahamic monotheism. The evidence provided by the Quran and the Islamic source material makes it rather hard for Muslims to escape the fact that Arab paganism has left an indelible mark on the religion of Islam.

Crawling Tree

From the book “The Beginning and the End” written by Ibn Kathir, Chapter Six, Entry title: “Hadith of the Tree.” (online source).

It was narrated by Al-Bayhaqi, narrated by Hamad Ibn Salma, narrated by Ali Ibn Zayd, narrated by Abi Rafi’, narrated by Umar Ibn Khatab who stated that the prophet – may Allah’s prayer and peace be upon him – was once depressed because of what the non-believers had done to him, so he said, “Oh Allah! Show me a sign today that I may disregard whoever disbelieves me.”

So the prophet commanded a tree that belonged to the people of the city of Madina to come to him and it came crawling on the ground until it reached him. The prophet then commanded it to return and it returned to where it was. The prophet then said, “I no longer care who disbelieves me after this.”

Angels Perform Open-Heart Surgery on Muhammad

…and washed his heart with Zamzam

Sahih Muslim, Book 001, Number 0314: Anas b. Malik reported on the authority of Malik b. Sa sa’, perhaps a person of his tribe, that the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: I was near the House (i. e. Ka’bah) in a state between sleep and wakefulness when I heard someone say: He is the third among the two persons. Then he came to me and took me with him. Then a golden basin containing the water of Zamzam was brought to me and my heart was opened up to such and such (part). Qatada said: I asked him who was with me (i e. the narrator) and what he meant by such and such (part). He replied: (It means that it was opened) up to the lower part of his abdomen (Then the hadith continues): My heart was extracted and it was washed with the water of Zamzam and then it was restored in its original position, after which it was filled with faith and wisdom.

I was then brought a white beast which is called al-Buraq, bigger than a donkey and smaller than a mule. Its stride was as long as the eye could reach. I was mounted on it, and then we went forth till we reached the lowest heaven. Gabriel asked for the (gate) to be opened, and it was said: Who is he? He replied: Gabriel. It was again said: Who is with thee? He replied: Muhammad (may peace be upon him). It was said: Has he been sent for? He (Gabriel) said: Yes. He (the Prophet) said: Then (the gate) was opened for us (and it was said): Welcome unto him! His is a blessed arrival. Then we came to Adam (peace be upon him). And he (the narrator) narrated the whole account of the hadith. (The Holy Prophet) observed that he met Jesus in the second heaven, Yahya (peace be on both of them) in the third heaven, Yusuf in the third, Idris in the fourth, Harun in the fifth (peace and blessings of Allah be upon them). Then we travelled on till we reached the sixth heaven and came to Moses (peace be upon him) and I greeted him and he said: Welcome unto righteous brother and righteous prophet. And when I passed (by him) he wept, and a voice was heard saying: What makes thee weep? He said: My Lord, he is a young man whom Thou hast sent after me (as a prophet) and his followers will enter Paradise in greater numbers than my followers. Then we travelled on till we reached the seventh heaven and I came to Ibrahim. He (the narrator) narrat- ed in this hadith that the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him) told that he saw four rivers which flowed from (the root of the lote-tree of the farthest limits): two manifest rivers and two hidden rivers. I said: ‘ Gabriel! what are these rivers? He replied: The two hidden rivers are the rivers of Paradise, and as regards the two manifest ones, they are the Nile and the Euphrates. Then the Bait-ul-Ma’mur was raised up to me. I said: O Gabriel! what is this? He replied: It is the Bait-ul-Ma’mur. Seventy thousand angels enter into it daily and, after they come out, they never return again. Two vessels were then brought to me. The first one contained wine and the second one contained milk, and both of them were placed before me. I chose milk. It was said: You did right. Allah will guide rightly through you your Ummah on the natural course. Then fifty prayers daily were made obligatory for me. And then he narrated the rest of the hadith to the end.

• Muhammad claims to have had at least 2 open heart surgeries, one before his journey into space (the hadith above), and the other when he was about 6 years old. Both times he says his heart was washed with Zam-Zam water, which was believed to have special properties by the pre-Islamic Arabs.

Allah Curses Women Who Wear Wigs

Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 133: Narrated ‘Aisha: An Ansari woman gave her daughter in marriage and the hair of the latter started falling out. The Ansari women came to the Prophet and mentioned that to him and said, “Her (my daughter’s) husband suggested that I should let her wear false hair.” The Prophet said, “No, (don’t do that) for Allah sends His curses upon such ladies who lengthen their hair artificially.”

http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/bukhari/062.sbt.html#007.062.133

Adult Women Should Not Travel Without a Male Guardian

Sahih Bukhari 3:85, Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas – The Prophet said, “A woman should not travel except with a with a guardian (mahram), and no man may visit her except in the presence of a guardian (mahram)” A man got up and said, “O Allah’s Apostle! I intend to go to such and such an army and my wife wants to perform Hajj.” The Prophet said (to him), “Go along with her (to Hajj).”

• This is referring to lengthy travel – a trip that exceeds two days time.
• Comprehensive list of mahrams: father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, great-grandfather, great-grandmother and so on; brother, sister; son, grandson, great-grandson, daughter, grand-daughter, great-grand-daughter; uncle, aunt, great-uncle, great-aunt, and so on; nephew, niece, grandnephew, grandniece, great-grandnephew, great-grandniece and so on; father-in-law, mother-in-law; son-in-law, daughter-in-law, stepfather, stepmother; stepson, stepdaughter; and any of these same categories of relatives related to a person through a milk mother.

Stone Runs Away With Moses’ Clothes

Yes, a common stone – as in a rock! I suppose it grew legs??

Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 5, Number 277: Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, ‘The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other. The Prophet Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, ‘By Allah! Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.’ So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, “My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, ‘By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone.” Abu Huraira added, “By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating.”

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “When the Prophet Job (Aiyub) was taking a bath naked, golden locusts began to fall on him. Job started collecting them in his clothes. His Lord addressed him, ‘O Job! Haven’t I given you enough so that you are not in need of them.’ Job replied, ‘Yes!’ By Your Honor (power)! But I cannot dispense with Your Blessings.’ “

Source:
http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/bukhari/005.sbt.html
- Islamic sources is filled with attribution of human-like consciousness to trees, plants, animals, rocks, human body parts, rivers, or even to things like a minbar (podium)

 

Muslim Wife Can Not Refuse Sex

Angels Hover Over Women All Night Cursing Them if They Don’t Feel Like Having Sex with Their Husband

Sahih Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 54, Number 460: Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Apostle said, “If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning.”

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.460

* So angels stay and hover over a woman who doesn’t feel like sex all night curing her. Sex no matter what! Got a headache? Too bad, you must have sex! … Broken arm? Too bad, you must have sex! … Sick? Too bad, you must have sex! … Mother died last night? Too bad, you must have sex

.

Islam’s Beast of the Earth

According to many hadith and tafseer, there will be a talking beast that will appear on the earth. In summary, this beast will among other things:

1. - Be over 100′ tall (hard to tell, but it is extremely tall)
2. - Have the head of a bull,
3. - Have eyes of a pig
4. - Have elephant ears
5. - Horns
6. - An ostrich neck
7. - Chest of a lion
8. - Color of a tiger
9. - Legs of a camel.
10. Carry the staff of Moses (Musa) and the ring of Solomon

So this extremely tall beast with a bull’s head and ostrich neck will be carrying around the relatively tiny ring of Solomon and Staff of Moses and travel the entire earth tapping all the Muslims on the head.

I found this drawing that tries to somewhat replicate this beast. However, it left off the ostrich neck. See it below the fold